Missing Tools – “Opening Up” for Men

Written by Adam Mossman

Have you ever tried to assemble a piece of flatpack furniture and after much time and frustration realised the manufacturer gave you almost everything you needed – instructions, furniture pieces, fixings, a picture of the finished product – but forgot to pack one of the tools required? Before you know you don’t have the right tool for the job, you might be confused and frustrated, asking yourself what you could be missing, or not understanding. You might even start to become critical of yourself, blaming yourself for not understanding things, for not getting it right, maybe even calling yourself “stupid”. Then, before you know it, the bedside table you have been assembling is in more pieces than it came in, your significant other is upset because they’re even further from having the table they wanted, and you’re left feeling pissed off and inadequate. 

 Only after all of that do you then realise you didn’t have the right tool for the job. It wasn’t given to you, and it wasn’t clear from the start that you needed it (unless you have some uncanny ability to decipher flatpack instructions). 

Society is progressing and, as part of this, men are being encouraged to “open up” more. We’re hearing that men don’t always have to be strong and silent, that it is okay to be vulnerable, to have feelings about things and express these feelings, to struggle with things and talk about our struggles, to lean on our mates not just ourselves. All of this is good stuff and important progress (in my opinion at least), but there’s a problem, we’re being given a flatpack with a missing tool.  

We know what the job is, people around us are saying we need to “open up more” and maybe (hopefully) we can even see some merit in this ourselves. We have the components, understanding it’s okay to feel and struggle, expressing our feelings and struggles to others more. Maybe we even have some instructions, ask “R U OK”, talk with a mate, reach out, ask for help. But, despite this, we just can’t seem to put it all together. We try but we get it wrong, we might think we’ve assembled the final product only for someone to come along and say it’s not what they wanted. A lot of the time this can lead to a sense of failure and inadequacy, and we might be inclined to avoid the whole “opening up” thing altogether. However, much like the all too common flatpack scenario, a lot of the time this isn’t happening because of some innate personal flaw, but because we haven’t been given the tool for the job. 

Normative male alexithymia refers to the significant difficulty identifying, expressing, and processing emotions that researchers believe many males experience due to conditioning associated with social norms and expectations regarding masculinity. In many cultures, men have been taught from an early age to strive towards traditional masculine ideals, such as strength, self-reliance, success and achievement, dominance and control (including self-control). We have learned that our role is as protector and provider, and there is no room for “weakness” in such a role, no place for emotions or vulnerability.  There is much value in these ideals and providing for and protecting others are noble pursuits; however, many of us have lost some vital tools along the way. If we are taught that men shouldn’t have emotions, let alone express them to others, we often learn to ignore or suppress our emotions rather than how to identify, name, and describe what we are feeling. Over time we no longer need to actively ignore or supress our emotions because these processes become automatic, resulting in a loss of emotional awareness. Additionally, we don’t learn the language needed to describe our emotions because we don’t need this language if we “don’t have” emotions. This does not just mean that we will find it difficult to talk about our feelings, we will also find it difficult to even know exactly what we are feeling and why we are feeling it.  

The good news is that we can retrain our emotional awareness by learning and practicing specific skills. Once we can better identify what we are feeling and have the language to describe this for ourselves we have the tools for the job of “opening up”. We can also engage specific strategies to help us feel more comfortable with opening up to others. Some of these skills and strategies are outlined below: 

Use body-based awareness. One of the hallmarks of alexithymia is difficulty distinguishing emotional states from physical sensations. Many men find it easier to notice where emotions live in the body, tension in the chest, a knot in the stomach, a heaviness in the shoulders, before translating that into emotional language. Body scans, breath awareness, and basic mindfulness practices can build this capacity. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer accessible entry points. 

Build an emotional vocabulary. Most people, not just men, operate with a fairly narrow emotional vocabulary: happy, sad, angry, stressed. Research suggests that emotional granularity (the ability to distinguish finely between emotional states) is associated with better mental health and more adaptive coping. A useful starting point is an "emotion wheel" or vocabulary list, simply having more words available makes it easier to identify your experience. The practice of asking "what am I actually feeling right now?" is the beginning of emotional literacy. 

Journalling. Writing briefly each day about what happened and how it landed emotionally creates a habit of reflection that, over time, builds emotional fluency. It doesn’t have to be a novel, even a sentence or two can help. The key is specificity: "I was annoyed at work today" is less useful than "I felt dismissed and a bit humiliated when my suggestion was ignored in the meeting." Prompts can help: What got under my skin today? What did I notice in my body? What was I actually feeling? 

Graduated disclosure. For men who find emotional expression in conversation difficult, starting small matters. Sharing a low-stakes feeling with someone you trust, like "I've been finding work stressful lately", is a form of practice. Emotional communication, like most things, gets easier with repetition and with the experience of it going okay. 

Group-based approaches. There can be something particularly powerful about men sharing emotional experiences in the presence of other men. Men's groups can normalise emotional expression in a context that doesn't require crossing into what feels like foreign territory. When other men are doing it, the experience shifts. 

Therapy can also be a helpful resource to draw on and can focus on practical skill development in the here and now, rather than discussing our painful past like many people often envision. If you’ve been thinking about reaching out, this could be your sign to take the first step. You can reach our wonderful reception team on (08) 9456 0411 or fill in our online New Client Enquiry Form via our website 

If you’re not quite ready to speak with someone yet, that’s completely okay. Beyond Blue also has free and practical information and resources to support men’s mental health, whenever you feel ready.